Letter from The Jadism Desk

As the 107th negative thought aimed inward suckerpunched my brain & pushed me down the waterslide of despair for possibly the 17th time in the past 24 hours, it dawned on me that if it were someone else’s words instead of my own, I didn’t know if I’d slap them in the face or sit at the side of the pool, drenched in despondency without even thinking of grabbing a towel.

It didn’t always used to be this way. The normalcy of self-degradation has become so common that I no longer pity myself. Gone are the days of whining and neurosis. “Woe is me” and all that jazz.

Let’s call this current phase “The Case of the PhuckIt”.

As in, This self-degradation will eventually & inevitably lead to my self-destruction and I’ll greet that moment with a toast and clap on the back, like it’s an old friend returning from war. So PhuckIt. Cheers, bitches!

To say that carrying that school of thought day in & day out, every damn day, is exhausting is about as obvious as saying that it’ll be a little windy outside when a F5 tornado touches the ground. But PhuckIt! Just board up the windows and stay out of sight, right?

Right…

Thing is, a tornado hasn’t touched down where I live in the entirety of my life. And I’m quite certain that a nest of insects have taken residence in the windowsills of my mind, hidden behind the wooden boards I’ve nailed up. Even now, I can hear their wings buzzing constantly and the thumping of their stupid heads bashing against the glass. It’s annoying.

I want do something about but I didn’t have the common sense to get a crowbar beforehand.

Hmm…. what to do? I don’t really know yet.

In the meantime I do declare, in this Year of Our Lord 2018, that I’m so over being ailed with “The Case of the PhuckIt”.

Because fuck that.

Editor’s Note: “The Psycho’Desk” has been renamed as the “The Jadism Desk”

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a vow of silence

words mean nothing
when talking to The Void

The Void

barely listening
and only screaming in reply

decades of attempts have shown you why

you shouldn’t even try

and yet, you still keep

talking to The Void

and wondering why

you’re left frustrated & annoyed
with someone fluent in an alien tongue

someone who listens to what you say
but can only scream in reply

so why even try

when words mean nothing?

2018: A Space Oddity, III

III. Player One Isn’t Quite Ready

There was a resounding thump as the door closed behind me and a fairywind kind of a whirling sound as it disappeared behind me.

I was standing in a room that seemed familiar to me in many ways but not in any kind of way that would have been useful. As in, a way that would tell me where I was. I wasn’t in my bathroom anymore and certainly wasn’t in the dimension of nothingness that I had just walked out of.

I was in a barren space with eggshell color walls and a carpet to match. There was no furniture, no signs, no posters on the walls, no signs of life. Only a large room with orange-tinted fluorescent lighting shining high above from a ceiling I couldn’t make out. There was a wavering hum permeating throughout the space at an odd frequency, no doubt emanating from the lights above.

“Where am I?” I asked aloud. No response. “Umm…hello?”

Where was that specter that I had encountered earlier in the mirror? It been awfully chatty since it had first shown up. Now, the lack of response was deafening, making the humming frequency seem even louder than it had before.

My history has shown that staying in one place for too long can be detrimental but there was no indication that anything had heard me. I walked around for a while, trying to gauge the volume of the space I was in.

And by that I mean, my face smashing into a solid surface.
With nothing around me, I had no sense of object permanence.
I went from walking along to a “Falcon Punch!” strike-like blunt force to the nose sent me falling to my ass from an invisible force, as if i were a character from a rudimentary 3D platform game from the early 1990s running into the borders of the land that the game developers created.

Typical, isn’t it? To be forced to participate in something that I didn’t agree to by a being I don’t really know because of the threat of what could happen if I didn’t listen.

It’s hard to say how long I was walking around trying to find something, anything. Could have been hours, days, months, even years. Maybe only a few minutes. The passage of time feels a lot different when there’s no point of reference.

All I can remember is my feet hurting. And wet, from either sweat or blood. My eyelids were heavy and my breath inconsistent.

The eggshell walls around me began to cracm, flaking away, falling below my feet into the nothingness. All I could do was watch.

And I watched as the nothingness transformed into something. Something, an area that I could recognize.

An area.
A place in time that I had believed I had completely forgotten.
And wish I had.

Site Update/A Jaded Community Pool

How is everyone? Anyone still read this site? Ok, good. Here’s what I’ve thinking about lately.

I recently realized that I’ve had this blog for several years now. The rules of Time are something I respect but don’t follow at all.

It doesn’t even feel that long ago. I remember the night I signed up on WordPress. I didn’t have a plan & I can’t rightly say that I do now.

With that said, I’ve grown a lot since I started this blog; emotionally, spiritually, and more. My life is in a different direction & it only makes sense that the things I share on this blog reflect that. I never want to force content & I’ve realized I’ve been having difficulty with creating.

So. I have a lot of ideas swimming around in my head & too much planning is causing them to drown and make me feel over-hydrated. I don’t where shore is exactly but I’m picking a direction and going that way, full speed ahead.

Here is the space for any feedback you’d like to share/or any questions you’d like to ask about my work & this blog. Whether positive or negative. Whether you’ve been following me for a while or you’re just tuning in.

I want to hear from you. I only ask you be constructive & courteous.

Soliloquy from the Psych’o’desk

~a glimpse of you~ 
~even a peripheral millisecond or two~

too much. too many.

to see your face
i know
all the ways i’d want to recognize you
have probably mutated into a dysmorphic snafu

just a crazed & confused squirrel gathering nuts for a job,
a total one-sided arms-race towards total self destruction…
well, as they say
“nutty is as nutty does”

(or something like that)

a soul long gone, sucked dry by a black hole
in the far depths of deep space 9

i don’t have to look to see
that a stranger moved in, insidiously
hindsight is always 20/20
but the past remains an enigma
it’s some cosmic villainy

though not that surprising
stranger things have happened
& impossible things are happening all the time

So.
if it’s at all possible,
in your eternal disgrace,

don’t bring that bloodthirsty dual faced zēlos anywhere close
to me & mine
not so much as a glimpse

stay hidden in the proverbial shadows

 

I’m taking responsible for the energy I allow to take up space in my soul
if you have nothing productive to contribute, you’ve got to go

go on.
shoo fly.

there’s no home for you here

Only Peace.





daily prompt: Simmer

Sleep, We’ve Been Over This Before…

a neverending nightmare
like a toxic case of a deep down ugly spell
whittling away at my health points in a role playing game

sleep is, once again, becoming less a temporary break from the ridiculous nature of our collective consciousness that we are forced to participate in & becoming more of a continuation of the same, that I have no control over

sleep
oh, how my dreams mock me
broadcasting my failures & teasing me with optimistic subliminal images of what could, should, happen in the future
a remote in my hand that doesn’t work
involuntarily watching what ever happens to be on

like a bird in flight snapping its neck against a squeaky clean window
it’s getting harder to know if I’m going the right way

sleep
please just let me rest
that’s all I have to say

Neutrality

middle of the road
not particularly memorable
& not all that interesting either

Oh, that’s familiar.

minor background character in everyone else’s lives

try chewing the scenery! improvise! go off the script!

the secret’s out. there’s no script.

the main conflict in the main story line in at least several different stories at a time

Best make your own script
‘less you want to get stuck in someone else’s shit

shit-dick from butt-bumping the ground, Le Grind
a place you ain’t meant to fit

purple holly, so legit
you’ve got my mind so whipped
that my hips just dip
& grip
and whip up a fury in the sea

category 5

get right to the point
right when the moment is the most crucial

I just fade to grey…

Baby
I guess I’m just neutral.

via Daily Prompt: Tender