What Were You Expecting?

The driver’s side window of my old four door sedan stopped working recently and is stuck permanently rolled all the way down with no buffer from outside forces.

It’s been raining frequently this afternoon in infrequent intervals. Those downpours that occur when the sun is shining brightly and there is nary a cloud in the sky, the kind of rain that I can’t help but feel is a socially acceptable glitch in The Matrix.

I was returning home from a place that doesn’t matter, stopped at a red light, when I heard a voice calling out to me over the rain drops.

“Hey buddy! Hey buddy! Buddy buddy buddy buuddyyyy!” I instinctively gritted my teeth and looked over at a sharp midnight Tesla Model X, the tinted passenger window rolled down, and an unnecessary face poking his head out of it. “It’s raining, man! You and your car are getting all wet! Be careful, buddy!” The view of his floating head faded out of view behind a veil of darkened glass and I turn back to whatever thought was occupying my headspace previous to the interruption. And then

I unbuttoned my shirt and dug my nails into my chest, snatching off a large patch of skin and attached it to the interior of the window with the nailgun I handily keep in the glove compartment for such a situation. The skin’s break from the body was clean and smooth and not a drop of blood splattered anywhere. The compartment in the backseat that leads to the trunk popped open and a world famous surgeon crawled out in scrubs and surgical mask and his assistant followed suit, carrying a satchel of surgical tools and sanitizing equipment; and the surgeon started a skin transplant over the exposed muscle and bone, popping enough codeine and muscle relaxers in my mouth that his scalpel work felt like tickles and left me conscious enough to continue driving once the light turned green. I heard the sound of wind chimes over my shoulder and a cartel of purple poverty fairies placed a large bundle of rolled up $100 bills on my lap and kissed my nose before once again evaporating into thin air.

Sunshine peered in through my stretched skin, bright enough to make it translucent. I waved at the Tesla passenger and mouthed a silent “Thank You” and he gave me a thumbs up.

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