Hiatus Stasis. U Can Go Your Own Way.

So, you’ve started your healing process. You’ve started unzipping your bunnysuit of bullshit and unpacking everything that is you. You’ve laid everything out on the table and had it staring back at you and you stared back at it, unflinchingly. You’ve looked back at your experiences and recognized patterns, seeing why things weren’t working at the time. It feels so satisfying to see the truth. To finally have your “Ah ha!” moment of recognition of whatever it is that’s been holding you back.

You wake up the next morning feeling refreshed, better than you have in ages. “It’s time to start living for me! I’m ready,” and other cliché affirmations slip through your teeth as you make a pot a coffee and butter a bagel while mapping out your day. With a fresh perspective, you venture back out into your day to day routine. But this rejuvenated feeling is like the afterglow following a session with your left hand and a vibrating showerhead. Fleeting and leaves you longing for more.

As time goes on your enthusiasm starts to dissipate. Old feelings come creeping back, like an ex you hook up with every time they send you a text ending with a wink emoticon. Smiles start to feel forced again and you wonder if your friendly grin makes you look like The Joker.

There is more work to be done.

The Ostrich Effect: the avoidance of apparently risky situations by pretending they do not exist, a la the legend that ostriches bury their heads in the sand to avoid danger.

If one were to really bury their head in the sand the inability to breathe would kill you off, that is, if what ever you’re hiding from doesn’t get to you first.

We hide because of the fear that we are inadequate & illequipped for the resistance we are sure to face in the future. or something like that. My doctorate is in the field of FreakPower, not psychology.

Much of my life has been spent lying in wait for in a hidden place for a Golden Ticket to snatch up and claim. Be it feverishly checking the sky for wayward owls dropping off a Hogwarts acceptance letter or uniformed officials to knock on my door and decree that I am the rightful heir to a remote yet wealthy kingdom by the Gamtoos River.

But A Ticket To Anywhere isn’t going to materialize out of the clear blue sky and wouldn’t be able to find me if it did.

continue trying to survive in a Kingdom Of Fear built with bricks of familiar despair or let truth take grab hold and guide me off into the uncharted void?

Well, when you put it that way, the choice seems absolutely sinister. Feel The Fear! It’s uncomfortable.
Perhaps Uncomfortable can be a good thing.

Start to rip off your bunnysuit you may find that you aren’t quite ready yet, that there are zippers in the back that you’ve missed. If you’re lucky, you’ll have great people in your life who will help point them out.
But it’s still up to you to unzip them.

How Indeed.

A Slice Of This Life

Peering in the mirror
It’ll be fine
You’ll have fun
You’re dressed to kill
You’ll have a good time

Parking the car
Deep breaths
Resist the urge to light up again
Ignore that burning in your gut
You’ll have a good time

Walking in the door
Smile at everyone, act natural
Don’t look overeager
“Hey, how’s it going?”
“Oh, I’m alright”
“Oh ya know, Same old same old”
Don’t mind that everyone has returned to previous conversations

Walking throughout the function
Drinking a little bubbly to loosen up
Hey I know her, maybe I’ll join her group
Smile more, act natural
I agree with what she said
I saw that movie too and thought it was a tad overrated
I should probably say something
Well I can’t stand here and just look at them, Can I?
Ok I’m going to say that I saw the movie last weekend
Say it in 5…4…3…2……………………
Wait, they’re talking about something else now
Don’t know anything about this topic
Been standing here for who knows how long and haven’t said a word
Smile. Act natural.
“Pardon me, please”

Still walking throughout the function
Not loose enough, drinking more bubbly
Hey I like this song, I feel like dancing
No one else is though, maybe I’m the only one who likes it
Look at him. He’s grooving along with the music
Maybe if I dance next to him I won’t seem so out of place
Now we’re both dancing along, this is pretty fun
People are looking my way and smiling, must be doing something right
Oh, now the song is over so maybe we’ll all just….
Wait, they’re walking away
Do I follow them or do something else?

Dragging my feet throughout the function
The bubbly is making me feel some kind of way but not loose
Sit down in the corner and pull out of my phone
The light from the screen illuminating my face
Contort your features into something more approachable
It’s still early, party has just begun
Well what are you waiting for? Go have fun!
Ehh….something feels off
Go outside and get some fresh air
Take a moment. Light up. Go back in refreshed.

What are they doing so differently?
On second thought….

Driving away
Next time
It’ll be fine
You’ll have fun
You’ll be dressed to kill
You’ll have a good time

Banshee Screams In Ohio

It’s been eight long days since I’ve thrown away the key to my proverbial dungeon. No shakes, no tremors, no sweats. No anything really… except maybe regret. I imagined the first steps towards “decent living” would be paved with a little more pizazz. Or at the very least, an indication that this path is headed in the right direction.

Where is the meaning? Is there a Light at the end of the tunnel or is it just the cheap lamp on my desk?

The biggest adrenaline rush I’ve felt lately was winning 5 bucks from a brightly colored scratch off lottery ticket…. that cost 5 bucks. That’s what you get for seeking instant gratification, Mr. E. Steven.

I have no taste for mundanity and middle of the road thrills more bland than a styrofoam & cardboard sandwich on wheat bread.

Failure comes easy at a time like this and the idea of failing totally & miserably seems quite reasonable. Though, I seek more than an altered state of mindset. Burning rubber on the same stretches of roads that lead back to the comfy confines of suburbia leave me feeling rather hollow. As vast as this world is, I’ve rarely ventured outside of the 10mile radius I was born into.

I don’t think I’m any better or worse than the folks around me who seemed to have settled into a place they can accept. But I’m not comfortable and haven’t been for as long as I can remember. Common sense tells me to just get the hell out of dodge. If an irksome song comes on the radio that makes you wish for the peace that only deafness could provide, you don’t sit through the tune and complain about it. You simply change the station.

But my life isn’t a radio station. And I can’t really scan through different possibilities until I find one that fits.

I could, perhaps, learn to live with the idea that I’ll never find peace & happiness. But if I could just get my hands on either of them every once in a while, I’d be able to do the best I could between high flights & nights in the ruts.